Just a Few Items to Cheer You Up     
First Posted 28-3-2020




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Cartoons for each day of the Week
A Gallimaufry of Pictures, from around the World









Extract from

Keynsham Bowling Club History


In 1989, a new drain was constructed in front of the clubhouse.

Readers may find this of little interest until they see the comments from the Secretary at an Executive Committee meeting –

“The Contractor who carried out this work said he would not return to the Club to make further alterations as he did not appreciate all the “advice” he had received from so many members on how the job should be done”

(some things never change!).




The eyes have it!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table.

He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.

She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time and the next morning, she cooked him a wonderful breakfast.

The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replied. . .. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'








From JC


A message from our illustrious greenkeeper,

( sorry Manager )

who has been working at the club throughout the present crisis





The new Goverment slogan is

Be Alert,

Britain needs 'Lerts'


Following advice given by the President a vicar in the US has died after injecting himself with Domestos.

Trump is now being charged with a bleach of the priest





From JC & JN






The Wrong Bias


There was a young bowler called Ellias

Who teamed up with his mate Fred Tobias

He boasted he could, that he would and he should,

and he did

yet another wrong bias

TB


NEW


It would appear that one or two of you are now looking at the web site, so I thought we might try another quiz


Rules the same as the previous quiz,(set out below)but the questions are easier


Again



no interest shown


Rules:

1 You can get the answers any way you like

2 Only entries emailed back to me will be eligible

3 The winner will be:

a) selected from all the emails after 10am

b) the email with the highest number of correct answers,

c) in order of receipt,

4 Only 1 entry per member

5 Quiz closes, Friday 1st May @ 10am


so be as quick as you can


Prizes of liquid refreshments will be offered, to be decided by the Exectutive Committee


Easy General Knowledge Questions Round I

1. From which language is the word ‘ketchup’ derived?

2. Which is the country with the biggest population in Europe?

3. Who portrayed Edward Scissorhands?

4. What are made and repaired by a cobbler?

5. What is an endoscope used to examine?

6. Apart from womanizing and producing films, what was the other passion of Howard Hughes?

7. What colour are the four stars on the flag of New Zealand?

8. How many states make up the United States of America?

9. Which English football team plays its home matches at Old Trafford?

10. Mr. Carson is the name of the butler in which popular TV costume drama?

11. Comedy duo Ant and Dec are originally from which English city?

12. In the medical profession, what do the initials ‘GP’ stand for?

13. Which German football team won the Champions League in 2013?

14. Maris Piper and King Edward are varieties of what?

15. H2O is the chemical formula for what?

16. Which English king married six times?

17. Whom did David Cameron succeed as the British prime minister?

18. Blandenburg, Bremen and Lower Saxony are states in which European country?

19. Complete the title of the play by Shakespeare – ‘The Merchant of …’?

20. By what name is the TV adventurer Edward Michael Grylls more commonly known?


Best of luck



Signs In Foreign Lands

Those of you who may be planning foreign travel, please remember that people in oher countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.

Here is a list of signs seen around the world.


In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.


Cocktail lounge , Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.


In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.


In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.


In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ....


Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.


In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.


Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.


A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.








Newspaper Headline!

Traffic light system to get out of lockdown: Schools could go back on May 11 and hairdressers and clothes shops reopen but over 70s face being stuck indoors for a YEAR

Does this mean that our oldest member is just 69?















I thought a quiz might be useful to while away some of your time, although,

with the lovely weather, you have all, most probably, been topping up your tans, especially JC





Rules:

1 You can get the answers any way you like

2 Only entries emailed back to me will be eligible

3 The winner will be:

a) selected from all the emails after 10am

b) the email with the highest number of correct answers,

c) in order of receipt,

4 Only 1 entry per member

5 Quiz closes, Sunday Morning 19th April @ 10am


so be as quick as you can


Prizes of liquid refreshments will be offered, to be announced


1. What is 20% of 40?

2. Where did Moses receive the 10 commandments?

3. What is the national flower of Austria?

4. What does an "H" in a circle represent on an Ordnance Survey map?

5. What was the first name of the American aviation pioneer, brother of Orville Wright, who died in 1912?

6. Which word can precede all of the following:, less, power, storm, wave and wash?

7. What is Andy Capp's wife called?
8. By what name is solid carbon dioxide known?

9. Who wrote the novel Ivanhoe?

10. In the phonetic alphabet, which Canadian city represents the letter Q?

11. Which singer played the scarecrow in The Wiz (1978) film?

12. Which childhood disease is also known as rubella?

13. In rhyming slang what is meant by dickory dock?

14. How is Priscilla White better known?

15. Which David presented 'Juke Box Jury'?

16. Which comedy series featured the Boswell family?

17. How many sides have an isosceles triangle?

18. What does a Geiger counter detect?

19. Whose catchphrase was, 'Shut that door!'?

20. What can be a sleep or how fabric lies?





A few contributions from JC

Dan

Dan was a single man living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

I may look like an ordinary man, he said to her but in a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit £10 million.

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she become his stepmother.

Woman are so much better at financial planning than men!




HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE ?

You can now get sex insurance in the UK so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - legal and general.

Sex on the telephone - direct line.

Sex with your partner -standard life .

Sex with someone different - go compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions -more than.

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's wheels.

Sex with a prostitute - commercial Union .

Sex with your maid -employers liability.

Sex with an oap - saga .

Sex resulting in pregnancy - general accident .

Sex with animals - National Farmers Union.

Sex with a monk- Abbey Life

Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group.

AND FINALLY

Sex with a transvestite - confused. Com


Make sure you are adequately covered!!








OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.  If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

   4.  If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

  5.  Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack? 

    6.  Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

    7.  Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

   8.  Why do "tug" boats push their barges?   

  9.  Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat sweets out of your  socks?

  10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for  sitting? 

  11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

   12. Doesn't  "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected  expected? 

  13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?   

   14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

  15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

  16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?  

18. If  love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

     19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?  

  20. Why is bra singular and panties plural ?

  21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

  22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 

  23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?     

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we  use them?  

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have  one?  

 







A little ditty from Ian Tweedie to help brighten up your day!

Covid 19 v Bowls

We are all experiencing a worrying time
So I have created a little rhyme
Despite the dreaded Covid 19
We are being allowed to play on our green

But before our wonderful game can be played
You need to be aware that lots of rules have been made
Firstly, before anyone can take part
They have to remain two metres apart

One of the very first demands
Is that everybody washes their hands
Whilst pre-match duties are an important task
Don’t forget to put on your mask

Now here’s a change that will make you think
You can only play on every other rink
That way while your delivery is being applied
Your fellow bowlers can stand to one side

Whilst with your old cloth you may have won a prize
Discard it in favour of sanitise
When meeting your opponent, don’t be brave
Just stand to one side and give him/her a wave

You can only exercise once a day
So a shorter game of bowls you can play
About an hour the advice recommends
So limit the match to about ten ends

When the match is over and the clubhouse you reach
You’ll find you have a table each
Be it beer, wine or lemon and lime
You’ll go to the bar one at a time

In difficult times we are indeed
So I hope you enjoyed this little read
All that remains is for me to tell
Everyone to keep safe and well!

IAN



“Anyone watching Saturday’s episode of “In For A Penny” on ITV would have been surprised to find that it featured one of our bowlers – Mick Funnell and his wife Joan. Show’s what great sports they are and to top it all they won £1000. It was filmed last July in Cabot Circus and Mick described it as “rather embarrassing”. He also mentioned that the money has been spent, and any begging letters would be wasted! Anyone wishing to watch the show can find it on the ITV Hub






Question: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set a mat, can't keep score and won't listen?

Answer: Make them Skip!


I rang up my local bowling club,

I said "Is that the local bowling club?"

He said "It depends where you're calling from."




LET'S DO IT

Things were not getting done at the bowling club and the Secretary read out the following at the meeting :-

“Once upon a time there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to do and Everybody was asked to do it

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job

Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

And so Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.”



There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.








LOVE IS BLIND!!...

Two bowlers were enjoying their after game drink in the pavilion and just chewing the cud when one asks "What's your favourite joke, George?"

George replies " It has to be the one about the blind skunk"




"The blind skunk? Go on then tell me". His friend says

George says " ... Fell in love with a fart."







Nobody's Darling

Up and down, walking walking,

Often measuring, sometimes chalking;

Shifting mats - keeping score,

thirty ends, maybe more;

Aching back - tired of limb,

Cheers for others, none for him,

Night draws on, darker, darker,

No one cares for he's the marker!




An old lady is caught shoplifting.


On the day of the court the lady and her husband who has gone with her stands before the judge who says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"

She says "I was hungry."

The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches."

So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?"

The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served.

Then the judge says would anyone like to say anything, her husband says your honour, "She stole a can of peas too"



Quiz Question


On an HB Pencil, What does the 'B' stand for?

Answers on a postcard, first member with the correct answer, can mark out the first rinks of 2020



PET One day a lady took her pet to the vet.

The vet looked at the pet and shook his head. "I'm sorry your pet is dead" he said

"How could you be so sure" the lady said.

So the vet left the room and came back with a Labrador. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the pet and shook its head.

The vet took the Labrador out of the room and came back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the pet and shook its head.

The doctor said that the pet was 100% dead.

With the lady still in shock, the vet handed her the bill for £400. "£400, that’s a bit steep, she said

The doctor replied "If you had believed my first diagnosis, it would have been just £60".

"Then why is it £400 the lady insists.

To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"







You Know your Old

When In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first:


You and your teeth don't sleep together.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

When getting lucky means you find your car in the car park.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.






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