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Just a few items to cheer you up




DOG FOR SALE



A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says."Ten Quid! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard... he's never been out of the garden

















Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of lager







People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.






What could possibly go wrong?

At every party there are two kinds of people, those who want to go home and those who dont. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.


















MY MIND IS LIKE MY INTERNET BROWSER.

19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.














A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.












Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself That's a little condescending










Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.




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